Part 3

HISTORY OF VEXX
In 300 B.B., Mono Cheezo, a failed insurance salesman and amateur explorer, decided it was his destiny to seek out and discover new planets and achieve greatness and glory. He sold his home, bought an ancient 200-ton dairy transport ship, hired a ragtag crew and headed off for the far reaches of Gogg.

After months of zig-zagging across the galaxy, he finally crashlanded on Vexx, an uncharted virgin planet. Or so he thought.

Elated at discovering a lush planet with an abundance of edible vegetation and no dangerous creatures, Mono Cheezo proclaimed Vexx the capital of Kukubia and himself the de facto king.

What Mono Cheezo didn't realise was that Vexx had already been discovered by the dangerous cult of the Cylet Mind Buggers. The Cylet were feared throughout the galaxy for their deadly mental powers and strange eating habits.

The Mind Buggers believed that by eating the brains of intelligent life forms, they could strengthen their own minds. One by one, Mono Cheezo's crew began disappearing. Thinking his crew had gone off to form their own government, Mono Cheezo declared them outlaws and banished them from his kingdom. It wasn't until Mono Cheezo himself was captured and placed in a pot of boiling broth that he realised what was happening.

Instead of panicking, Mono Cheezo calmly explained to these brain-eating fanatics that they could not possibly have him for dinner because he was the king of Kukubia and all creatures big and small living on Vexx were his subjects. The more Mono Cheezo talked, the more the Cylet began to lose their appetites. After all, they believed that eating a madman could cause serious brain damage.

Taking Mono Cheezo out of the pot, the Mind Buggers told him that they didn't want to eat him, and that he could go home. The problem was that Mono Cheezo did not want to go home. His entire crew was gone, and these cannibals were the only intelligent beings left on the planet. Much to the Cylet's dismay, Mono Cheezo moved in with them.

The more comfortable Mono Cheezo became, the more he began to boss the Cylet around. As far as Mono was concerned, he was king and they were his subjects. The Cylet wanted to do away with Mono, but it was against their religion to kill or harm a living creature whose brain they were not prepared to eat.

Several times, the Cylet tried to escape. They would wait until late at night when Mono Cheezo was asleep, then sneak away to another part of the planet. However, sooner or later, Mono Cheezo would find them. This went on for months, until finally the Mind Buggers decided to bug out altogether. Packing up everything, the Cylet fled from Vexx.

Mono Cheezo remained alone on the planet for the next 130 years, until Supreme Commander Bass Nicolson (Emperor Dred's grandfather) and his army landed. When Bass Nicolson heard the story of how Mono Cheezo single-handedly drove the Mind Buggers from Vexx, he took pity on the poor man and decided to make him the honorary governor of the planet.

Like always, Mono Cheezo made himself at home and began ordering everyone around, including Supreme Commander Bass. Within a few months, Bass had become so sick of Mono Cheezo's mandates that he banished Mono from Vexx and sent him to the Imperial Mental Institution. As it happens, that is where Mono Cheezo met up with another infamous historical figure, Sir Lily Slimwagon, whose adventures are described in other sections.

Ironically, Vexx became the capital of Kukubia as Mono had predicted, and to this day, a statue of him stands in the courtyard of the Governor's Palace.






So.
So.
Uh...
Hmm.
...what d'you think we should buy?
You're asking me?
Um...I guess...Jelly Beans? Maybe? They look like they're going cheap right now.
How do you know that?
Well, look at the Price Range column. It says 10-80, so I'm guessing that's the minimum and maximum price per ton for Jelly Beans. And, uh...the current market price is 10 kubars per ton. That's as cheap as they get.
Oh, yes. I think you're right.



How much should we take?
I don't know. Not a lot, I suppose. We don't want to go overboard on our first purchase.
Good point. Maybe...ten tons, then?
Okay.



So now what? We just fly to another planet and sell it?
That's the way it works, yeah.



Where should we go?
Uh...let's just head for Loro. It's pretty close. No point going to the other end of the system and burning all our fuel, right?
To Loro then, sirs?
To Loro.






Huh.
Well, I guess that'll pay for tonight's dinner.
This actually isn't as complicated as I thought it would be.
Yeah, but 90 kubars a week won't exactly get us out of the danger zone, will it? Look, Oggle Sand is going pretty cheap, and we're looking at a price range of 70-560. Much bigger margin for profit there. I say we buy the lot.
All of it?
Damn right.



That's...that's over ten thousand kubars, Tark'la. That's a lot of money to spend at once. A lot.
Gotta spend it to make it. Trust me. I've got a good feeling about this.
Those jelly beans? They were just a little taste test. This, right here, is where "Slev, Tark'la and Sons" takes off. This is the end of Poverty Road, my friend, and we've just arrived at Prosperity Station with two first-class tickets for the Gravy Train. Our futures begin now.






SHIT.